I was already losing weight, I couldn't make school go any faster, and I couldn't undo my divorce even if I wanted to, which I most definitely did not. So, I settled on quitting smoking. It's a nasty little habit that makes your teeth yellow, your breath and your clothes stink, and really isn't very attractive. But I had lost family members to lung cancer and that meant that I was at a higher risk of developing it myself. I had to stop.
It isn't an easy thing to do. The truth is that it is an addiction - and not just to the nicotine. Nothing beats a warm cup of coffee and a cigarette on a chilly morning. The physical and emotional connection is just as bad as the chemical one.
I don't know how, but I managed to break the habit. The process of quitting left me plenty of time for a little soul searching and a lot of moments where I desperately wanted a smoke. So for all those people out there who are trying to stop and finding it difficult, I just want you to know you are not alone.
I stop
and breathe in the toxic intoxication of grey whispers
floating out the end of my burning world.
Loved ones tell me to stop
because the white javelin is a murderous lot who plays with death
and ticks my lungs into feeling full.
But I don't want to stop
when my head spins and heart calms at every intake,
a rush which nothing else can match.
They didn't stop,
mom's mom and dad's dad, foremothers and fathers
now dead from this addiction.
So I know I must
Stop.
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